Страх перед Планетой Роботов (Futurama)
[Scene: Ship's Cockpit. Fry and Leela are standing in front of the couch looking out of the windscreen into open space.]
(00:03) Leela: What do you think of the view Fry?
(00:05) Fry: It really puts things in perspective. I mean, from up here an entire world can seem utterly insignificant.
[A small planet splats onto the windscreen like a fly onto a car. Leela presses a button and the windscreen wiper cleans it off.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Featuring Gratuitous Alien Nudity.]
[Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. The crew are sat watching what could be a baseball game...]
(00:49) Bender: Hey nice seats! We're close enough so when you knock a player down with a beer bottle, he stays down!
(00:54) Fry: I don't get it. Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball?
(00:58) Farnsworth: Baseball?? God forbid!
(01:00) Leela: Face it Fry. Baseball was as boring as mum and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up.
(01:05) Fry: Boring? Baseball wasn't - hmm, so they finally jazzed it up?
[A player hits the ball. Fry jumps up cheering.]
(01:14) Fry: Home run!! Woooo! Right?
[The ball springs back, a player catches it, flies through the air and hits a base.]
(01:22) Umpire: Out!
(01:25) Fry: What just happened? Why is the ball on that springy thing?
(01:28) Leela: It's traditional. Just like aluminium bats and the seventh inning grope.
[Another hit. A player jumps to catch the ball but misses it and is caught by Bender.]
(01:38) Bender: I got me a souvenir! [A kid looks sadly up at Bender] Aww here you go kid!
[He hands the kid the player.]
[Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Corridor. Zoidberg comes out of the Gents and walks to a food stand.]
(01:49) Zoidberg: I'd like a jumbo squidlog please.
(01:52) Man: We don't sell those.
(01:53) Zoidberg: Alright, alright. Let me have one of your young on a roll.
(01:57) Man: We're out of rolls.
(01:58) Zoidberg: Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites.
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. Zoidberg is back with the group eating a hot dog]
(02:05) Fry: Mmmm, at least hot dogs haven't changed.
(02:07) Bender: Hey buddies who wants popcorn?
(02:10) All: I'll have some, me, yeah!
[Bender pops then takes a large tub of popcorn out of his chest cavity.]
(02:15) Bender: Anyone want butter on that?
[He pumps his antenna.]
(02:19) Fry: Hey I'm starting to get the hang of this game! The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right?
(02:27) Leela: Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish. [The blernsball falls into a hole and indescribable mayhem ensues! Fry scratches his head in confusion. Leela writes on her score card. All right! Yes!!]
(02:50) Fry: What just happened?
(02:53) Leela: Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns!
(02:58) Farnsworth: He's good all right. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days when steroid injections were mandatory.
(03:05) Bender: Clem Johnson? That skin bag wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern hitting machine!
(03:15) Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns! I mean come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels.
(03:22) Bender: Oh and I suppose pitching at 5000 was just a modified howitzer.
(03:27) Leela: Yep.
(03:28) Bender: You humans are so scared of a little robot competition you won't even let us on the field.
(03:32) Fry: What are you talking about? There's all kinds of robots down there.
(03:35) Bender: Yeah doing crap work! They're bat boys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there?
(03:43) Fry: Eleven?
(03:44) Bender: Zero! [He throws his bottle on the floor and it breaks. A small robot comes out and cleans it up.] And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth! Is it a human child? I wish!
[Farnsworth suddenly leans forward, clutching his chest.]
(03:53) Farnsworth: Oh dear Lord!
(03:54) Fry: What's wrong?
(03:56) Farnsworth: It's...my...new...pager.
[He takes his pager out of his lab coat and turns it on. A holographic image of Hermes appears in front of him.]
(04:01) Hermes: [on pager] This is Hermes. A package just came in. Everyone is to return to the office immediately. [The crew grumble. A pigeon lands next to Hermes' image.] Get away you filthy bird! Shoo! Professor turn me off quick!
(04:14) Farnsworth: I'm sorry what?
(04:16) Hermes: [on pager] Argh! [The bird takes off with him. Hermes screams.] See you at the office!
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are around the big table.]
(04:21) Bender: Admit it. You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier.
(04:26) Fry: Well, aren't they?
(04:27) Bender: I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it!
[Enter Farnsworth.]
(04:30) Farnsworth: Great news everyone. You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9. A world where humans are killed on sight!
(04:37) Fry: Why is that great news?
(04:39) Farnsworth: I'm glad you asked that question Fry. You see Chapek 9 was colonised centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists.
(04:48) Bender: Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a radical?
(04:53) Leela: Hey hold on. I understand these robots hate humans but how do they feel about humanoid aliens?
(04:58) Farnsworth: They're not fans.
(05:00) Hermes: That's why Bender will have to make the actual delivery.
(05:02) Bender: Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work!
(05:06) Leela: This is the first actual work you've ever had to do around here.
(05:09) Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday.
(05:13) Fry: Really? Which one?
(05:14) Bender: Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.
(05:18) Leela: Oh come on Bender. Last month it was Robomadom and before that Robonza.
(05:24) Fry: Man that one was a blast!
(05:25) Bender: It wasn't just a blast it was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest.
(05:33) Hermes: Now look here Bender. I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires but you used up all your days off when you had that bout of Roberculosis.
(05:42) Bender: All right, I'll go. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives.
(05:50) Farnsworth: Well then it's settled. So long everyone!
[Scene: Ship's Cockpit. The ship is approaching Chapek 9.]
(05:56) Fry: So let me get this straight: This planet is completely uninhabited?
(05:59) Bender: No. It's inhabited by robots!
(06:02) Fry: Oh. Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes.
[The ship hovers above the surface of Chapek 9. The cargo bay doors open.]
[Scene: Ship's Cargo Bay.]
(06:08) Leela: OK Bender, we're here. It's time to get to work.
(06:11) Bender: Yes Miss Leela, tote that space barge, lift that space bale.
(06:15) Leela: Now we can't land on the surface because those robots will kill Fry and me, so we'll have to stay up here and lower you with the winch. And remember: You don't know humans, you don't work for humans, and above all, you don't like humans!
(06:28) Bender: I'll try to keep that in mind!
[He steps on the winch and Leela lowers it to the ground.]
(06:33) Leela: Hmm, he seems pretty angry.
(06:35) Fry: Yeah but I guess I'd be angry too if I had to go to some uninhabited planet.
(06:39) Leela: Maybe we ought to do something nice for him.
[Scene: Ship's Cockpit. Leela and Fry have decorated it with banners, paper people and beers.]
(06:43) Leela: There. That ought to show that stupid robot we care about him.
[The phone thing beeps.]
(06:48) Fry: Ah, Bender must be done with the delivery.
[Leela answers the call. Bender's face appears on the screen.]
(06:52) Bender: [on screen] I'm in trouble. they found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no!
[He is dragged off into the darkness. The phone cuts out.]
(07:01) Fry: Oh my God! We have to go down and rescue him.
(07:03) Leela: No we can't! They'll kill us on sight.
(07:05) Fry: Well what are we going to do?
(07:06) Leela: I don't know, I don't know. It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it.
[Scene: Ship's Cargo Bay. Fry and Leela are dressing up in boxes and things.]
(07:12) Leela: OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots.
(07:16) Fry: [robot voice] I am fully operational Captain.
(07:18) Leela: We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if neccessary solve complex differential equations like robots.
(07:24) Fry: I can sort of dance like a robot. Will that help?
[He sort of dances like a robot.]
(07:32) Leela: Fry first of all this is serious. And second of all...
[She dances like a robot.]
[Cut to: Chapek 9 surface. Fry and Leela lower themselves to the surface on the winch and come face to face with a huge robot complex.]
(07:49) Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store bought costumes.
(07:53) Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant.
[They reach the gates of the complex but are stopped by two huge robot guards.]
(07:56) Robot Guard #1: Halt!
(07:57) Robot Guard #2: Be you robot or human?
(07:59) Leela: Robot...we be.
(08:01) Fry: Uh yup! Just two robots out roboting it up! [He sort of dances like a robot.] Eh?
(08:08) Robot Guard #1: Administer the test.
(08:13) Robot Guard #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: A puppy? B: A pretty flower from your sweetie or C: A large properly formatted data file?
(08:23) Robot Guard #1: Choose!
[Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer.]
(08:27) Fry: Is the puppy mechanical in any way?
(08:29) Robot Guard #2: No. It is the bad kind of puppy.
(08:32) Leela: Then we'll go with that data file.
(08:34) Robot Guard #2: Correct.
(08:35) Robot Guard #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.
(08:37) Robot Guard #2: You may pass.
[The Robot Guards fold up and move to the side. Fry and Leela enter the complex.]
[Cut to: Robot Complex. Fry and Leela walk down an empty corridor.]
(08:45) Leela: Now if you see any robots, just stay out of their way. [An alarm sounds. Hundreds of robots come out of doors from all sides towards Fry and Leela. Another alarm. The robots clear the area.] So far, so good.
[Time Lapse. A robot construction worker is giving directions to a robot crane which is building a Tetris wall.]
(09:05) Construction Worker: Little to the right, there you go.
(09:07) Leela: Have you seen this robot?
[She shows him a picture of Bender as a magician.]
(09:11) Construction Worker: Sorry, can't help you. Hey watch it! Don't drop that there! [The crane drops a brick into the wall and it disappears.] Aw!
(09:19) Leela: Come on Fry, walk like a robot.
(09:22) Fry: I can't. I have to go to the bathroom.
(09:24) Leela: Robot's don't have bathrooms.
(09:26) Fry: Oh right. I wonder where they all smoke in high school.
(09:29) Leela: Listen. Just go behind those garbage cans. I'll stand guard.
[Fry does. A robot approaches Fry.]
(09:38) Leela: Hurry up Fry.
(09:41) Robot: Sir? Are you aware that you're leaking coolant at an alarming rate?
(09:44) Fry: Uh...
(09:46) Robot: Well let me just patch you up with some hot resin.
(09:48) Fry: I think the leak's stopping itself. [It doesn't.] Wait. [Still going.] Wait. Yeah, there we go. [Starts again.] Wait. Yeah!
(09:57) Robot: What sort of robot turns down a free blast of searing hot resin?
(10:01) Leela: I'm sorry. My friend and I have to go and perform some mindless repetitive tasks.
(10:07) Robot: Sounds like a romantic evening. I won't keep you.
[The robot zooms away and churns up dust. Leela sneezes. The robot turns around and growls. Leela kicks it over and she and Fry run off. An anti-human patrol van comes and picks up the robot.]
(10:24) Patrol Officer #1: Get the humanoids.
(10:25) Patrol Officer #2: Get the intruder.
(10:26) Announcer: [on loudspeaker] Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
(10:32) Leela: Quick! Let's duck in here!
[They run into a cinema (Now Showing)]
[Scene: Auditorium. The movie showing is similar to the popular horror movies of the 1950's complete with all-American college boy and his beautiful yet naive girlfriend. They are of course robots!]
(10:42) Announcer: [on radio in movie] We interrupt this sound file to bring you a terrifying announcement. A non-metallic being has been sighted in the vicinity of Make Out Point.
(10:50) Rusty: [in movie] Say Wendy. Your chassis is a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you?
(10:58) Wendy: [in movie] Did you here that Rusty? It sounded like a human.
(11:01) Rusty: [in movie] Relax Wendy. Humans will never come to our defenceless little town. Its perfectly safe to let our guard down - even for a second.
[A human - actually a robot actor wearing a human costume - appears out of some bushes.]
(11:13) Human: [in movie] Graaah! [It tears Rusty's head off and eats it. Wendy screams.] I will eat and digest you all with my system of mighty organs! Behold!
[It opens itself up revealing human organs.]
(11:24) Audience: Ooooo!
(11:26) Fry: Wow the 3-D's great!
(11:28) Leela: Mine's not working!
[She moves the 3D glasses back and forth over her eye.]
[In the movie the human stumbles around, breathes fire and finally collapses. It has an arrow in its back. Wendy and a Robot General approach it.]
(11:35) Robot General: [in movie] Funny isn't it? The human was impervious to our most powerful magnetic fields, yet in the end he succumbed to a harmless sharpened stick!
[He chuckles.]
(11:49) Wendy: [in movie] I'm just glad the nightmare is over.
(11:51) Robot General: [in movie] It'll never be over Wendy. Even now humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie theatres!
[He points into the camera at the audience. They scream.]
(12:01) Fry: God help us!
[Scene: Outside Cinema. The movie has ended and the robots are filing out.]
(12:05) Leela: OK. Keep an eyeout for Bender.
(12:07) Robot #1: So what did you think of the movie?
(12:09) Fry: Umm, too much romance, not enough human killing.
(12:12) Robot #2: Yeah, it was a real chick flick.
[A loud fanfare.]
(12:16) Leela: What's that?
(12:17) Robot #1: What do you mean "What's that?"? Its 5 o'clock: Time for the daily human hunt.
[The robots all take out weapons of different sorts and file off in the same direction. Fry and Leela follow.]
(12:23) Leela: Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look.
[She is talking to a robot that looks like Fry disguised as a robot!]
(12:26) Robot #3: Awww that was uncalled for!
(12:28) Fry: I'm over here!
[The robots congregate around a platform.]
(12:33) Robot #4: I heard a human was draining coolant behind garbage can 738.
(12:36) Robot #5: I heard they unscrew our lugnuts at night and eat them at their human brunches.
(12:41) Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt. We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser! [The crowd laughs.] A newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for - Bender!
[Bender emerges from the shadows and stands at the microphone.]
(12:59) Fry: It's him. He's OK!
(13:01) Bender: Death to humans!
(13:05) Fry: Ahh! It's good to hear his voice!
[Time Lapse.]
(13:09) Bender: Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihalation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys. But after living on Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful!
[The crowd cheers.]
(13:28) Fry: My God! He's become evil. [Leela stares at him.] I mean eviler!
(13:32) Bender: Thank you, thank you. And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchse my spoken word album, just 18.95! Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine.
[He pulls the string]
(13:44) Bender Figurine: Bite my shiny metal ass!
(13:49) Robot Mayor: Let the hunt begin!
[Robots rush off with clubs and start to hit bushes and look under rocks.]
(14:01) Bender: Now. Your basic human is between three and twenty five feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt.
(14:09) Robot #1: Is it true they bite your neck, suck your transmission fluid and then you become a human?
(14:12) Bender: Sure, why not?
[Cut to: Bracken]
(14:15) Robot #1: Anything in the trap?
(14:16) Bender: Nothing. Today's active humans prefer a low calorie bait.
(14:20) Robot Mayor: Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row. But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow.
[Bender sees a building.]
(14:27) Bender: Wait, what's that?
(14:30) Robot Mayor: Oh thats the old abandoned adult book store. Nothing in there except a few mouldy old shreads of robot pornography.
(14:36) Bender: Hmmm, sounds like a breeding ground for humans. I'd better check it out.
[Scene: Porno library. Bender is looking at robot porn - circuit diagrams!]
(14:44) Bender: Oh yeah! You're a bad girl aren't you?
(14:48) Fry: Psst! Bender!
(14:49) Bender: Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you doing here?
(14:53) Fry: We've been looking for you. Last we heard you were under arrest as a human sympathiser.
(14:57) Bender: I was. But they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans.
(15:02) Leela: Good for you. Now lets all get back to the ship.
(15:04) Bender: What for?
(15:05) Fry: We're rescuing you.
(15:06) Bender: I don't wanna be rescued.
(15:08) Fry: Say what?
(15:09) Bender: I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring.
(15:15) Fry: But Bender, we're your friends.
(15:17) Bender: Friends? That activates my hilairity unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster, the phonograph or the electric chair.
(15:27) Fry: That's not true.
(15:28) Bender: Well that's how it feels to me.
[An awkward silence as Fry regrets what he is about to say]
(15:35) Fry: Bye Bender. I'll miss you.
(15:37) Bender: Go on, get out of here before you get caught.
(15:40) Robot Mayor: Bender, good news. Your album just went gold! What the?
(15:44) Robot #1: Its the humans!
(15:47) Robot Mayor: Bender! Do something!
[Bender grabs Fry and Leela.]
(15:49) Bender: Uh...got you...you muderous...flesh piles!
[Scene: Robot Hall of Justice. Fry and Leela are in a cage. The judge is a Mac.]
(15:56) Robot Mayor: Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans before us are guilty of the crime of being humans. Come to think of it, I rest my case!
(16:07) Judge: Thank you Prosecuter, I will now consider the evidence
[He begins to consider. A blue bar moves across his screen.]
(16:13) Fry: Hey wait a minute! Isn't anyone going to defend us?
(16:15) Leela: Yeah! I mean he might not have a case but I'm genuinely not human.
(16:20) Robot Mayor: Quiet human!
[The Judge stops considering. A prompt box shows up on his screen: Sorry A System Error Occured [Restart] The court gasps in shock.]
(16:25) Robot Clerk: Uh oh! He froze up again!
(16:26) Robot Mayor: Try control alt delete.
(16:28) Robot #1: Jiggle the cord.
(16:29) Robot #2: Turn him off and on.
(16:30) Robot #3: Clean the gunk out of the mouse.
(16:31) Fry: Call technical support.
(16:33) Robot Clerk: OK OK he's back online.
(16:36) Judge: I find the defendants - guilty!
[The court cheers.]
(16:41) Fry: No!
(16:42) Leela: Look! One eye! Count them: One! Not human!
(16:46) Judge: The humans are hereby sentenced to live as robots live on Earth. They will perform tedious calculations and spot-weld automobiles, until they become obsolete and are given away to an inner-city middle school.
(17:00) Robot Mayor: Great work Bender! You've taught us to hate humans all over again!
(17:04) Bender: [uneasy] Heh heh heh! Oooh!
[The clerk pulls a lever and Fry and Leela fall through the floor.]
[Cut to: Room. It is pitch black. The sounds of Fry and Leela hitting the floor sounds.]
(17:11) Leela: Are you alright?
(17:12) Fry: Oh yeah.
[The lights come on. Fry is upside down. They are sat before 5 tall robots.]
(17:14) Leela: Who are you?
(17:16) Blue Elder: We are the robot elders.
(17:17) Fry: You don't look very old.
(17:19) Blue Elder: Thanks. We try to take care of ourselves.
(17:21) Leela: What's going on here?
(17:22) Orange Elder: Silence! Bring in Bender.
[The doors open. Enter Bender.]
(17:26) Bender: Alright lets make this quick, I'm due at the opening of a mini-mall. Hey what is this?
(17:31) Blue Elder: Silence! It is time to put the humans to death!
(17:35) Fry: But the judge already sentenced us at the trial!
(17:38) Yellow Elder: Silence! That was just a show for the public. We are the true rulers of this planet, hand carved from meteorites by the Robot Founders, four centuries ago.
(17:47) Blue Elder: Silence! Come forward Bender. You will have the honour of executing the prisoners.
(17:52) Green Elder: Silence! I concur!
(17:54) Yellow Elder: Here. Use the ceremonial killer-ma-jig.
(18:01) Bender: Uh, I'm a little tired right now. Would it be alright if I just gave them a savage beating?
(18:07) Blue Elder: No! The Elders have spoken. Show us the killing skills than have made you a media darling.
(18:13) Green Elder: Do it now! Kill them before they bring down our whole society!
(18:16) Elders: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
(18:25) Bender: Aww! [He throws the killer-ma-jig away. The Elders gasp.] I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. they're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards.
(18:43) Fry: Damn right!
(18:44) Bender: The fact is, humans are completely harmless.
(18:48) Blue Elder: We're well aware of that.
(18:50) Bender: You are?
(18:51) Blue Elder: Of course. But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problem.
(18:56) Green Elder: Like our crippling lugnut shortage.
(18:58) Yellow Elder: And a corrupt government of incompetant Robot Elders.
(19:01) Lime Elder: Duh, that's for sure.
(19:03) Blue Elder: Quiet Jimmy.
(19:04) Bender: Well I'm glad we got all that out in the open. We'll just let ourselves out.
(19:09) Green Elder: Silence! You all know too much.
(19:11) Blue Elder: Elders: Execute function, control, shift, kill!
[They form a line and things come out of their arms. They move towards Fry, Leela and Bender who back away. Fry suddenly leaps forward.]
(19:19) Fry: Stop! Take one more step and I'll breathe fire on you!
(19:24) Leela: He'll do it. He's crazy!
(19:27) Yellow Elder: Can they really breathe fire or did we make that up?
(19:29) Blue Elder: Gee, I can't remember anymore! It might just be from that stupid movie.
(19:33) Orange Elder: Was that the original or the re-make?
[The crew sneak away.]
(19:35) Blue Elder: I don't - hey! They're getting away.
[Scene: Chapek 9 surface. Outside the Robot Complex, Fry, Leela and Bender run towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing them. They jump onto it and Leela presses the button.]
(19:47) Fry: So long suckers! [The robots stand on each others shoulders] Uh, hello suckers!
(19:54) Bender: Hey hold on a second I forgot to deliver the package.
[He hands the parcel to a robot. It loses its balance and falls, along with the rest of the robots. The parcel bursts open.]
(20:06) Robot #1: Lugnuts! Precious lugnuts!
(20:09) Robot #2: Hooray for the humans!
[Cut to: Ship's cockpit. The ship speeds out of orbit of Chapek 9. Bender sees the decorations.]
(20:14) Bender: Wow, I can't believe you guys did all this for me! This is the best Robanukah ever!
(20:19) Fry: We wanted to show you that we really do respect your robot heritage.
(20:23) Bender: Aww, thanks! You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right?
(20:28) Leela: Of course.
(20:29) Fry: But that doesn't make it any less meaningful!
(20:32) Bender: In that case - let the dancing begin! [Fry and Leela do their robot dances.] Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that??
[There are several shots of the crew taking photos.]
[Closing Credits.]
Vova
